This little snippet just came back to me. It was one of those moments where I kind of felt like I didn't know who I was. Like, "Oh, this is the girl that I have become."
I was at work on Thursday. I had left that morning on weird terms with Asher because money is tight, the situation is hard. Knowing there isn't much we can do about it is even more difficult. I leave in my morning rush with just a quick peck.
I get a call at about 9:45, sitting at my desk. It is our CFO and he says, "there is someone here, I think you will know." So I walk downstairs and when I hit the hallway I smell him already. He doesn't wear too much cologne but it smells so good and it stays in the air and I know he is there. He is hiding around the corner like he did the first time I came to visit him in NY. That night, two years ago, I came off the plane and I was worried I wouldn't recognize him but I found him right away hiding from me behind a vending machine.
He had ridden the bus and then his skateboard to come see me at work, to bring me my phone which I had left behind. And he smelled and looked so good. I took him around to meet the people in the office and he was putting on jokes and messing around and charming everyone. They thought he was cute and younger than he looks in the picture by my desk. And one gal said, "he is so handsome and his smile is so sweet." I just felt really proud that he is my husband.
I always thought I would miss this part of life. My relationships before were so difficult and I thought that to be with someone you had to get that sick feeling in your stomach when they were away from you. I thought that intensity meant love but it was distrust. I was accustomed to a certain mania in trying to make things work, obsessed with making things look presentable to people even when it was me trying to glue scraps of happiness into a pretty picture.
This is not a scrap or a maniacal need or any intense feeling in my stomach. This is a man, being a man. A person who chose, of his free will, to spend life with me. It feels safe and calm and happy and filled with faith and trust. Thank goodness this is me, finally.